I answer your questions and SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS for £1!

I'LL SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS FOR £1!

Problems, problems, problems. We all have problems. Some are small and cause minimal annoyance, and others are as big as whales, weighing you down and causing great crushing despair. I can solve ALL problems*.

Perhaps you can't remember the name of the bass guitar player from Kajagoogoo. That would count as a small problem. (Incidentally the bass guitar player from Kajagoogoo was called Nick Beggs - you can have this answer for free).

Or perhaps you have a bigger problem. Like this man:

His name is Simon Schmuttfruckler and he came to me with his big problem. He was a goose breeder from Bremen, Germany and was happily married with two kids and a heartful of hope. Simon and his family were having a picnic by the steel works one summer's day when, out of the blue, a helicopter fell on his head rendering him stupid. His wife and children deplored his stupidity and they immediately left him and set up home in Brazil. Sad Simon sulked home to his goose farm where he discovered his geese had exploded in a big feathery mess.  His house then fell down. On top of his car. His pet dog, Isaac, was in the car. Isaac had all Simon's insurance information with him at the time. All documentation was destroyed. LUCKILY Simon contacted me and gave me £1! And now Simon Schmuttfruckler:

• Is really clever and can read really big books in different languages, and that.
• Is beautiful
• Can play the hurdy-gurdy to an internationally acceptable standard
• Plays football for Aston Villa
• Plays rugby for Newcastle Falcons
• Can read minds
• Is friends with Coronation Street's Peter Barlow
• Swims faster than an eel
• Has a BAFTA
• Shoots lasers from his eyes
• Has loads more geese than he ever had before!

So. Send me ONE POUND and let me know your problem and I should be able to help. You will receive a full and frank answer within 2 working days OR YOUR MONEY BACK.

*Please note: I cannot solve tricky maths problems, apart from ones which can be done on my desktop calculator. But I can't do algebra as that uses letters instead of numbers and my calculator doesn't have letters on it. Well, it has some letters on it. Here are the letters it has: C, CE, MC, MR, MS and M+. But I don't understand what they do.